I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, and I've decided that it's time to make some changes. I'm tired of letting boys dictate how I feel and how I make decisions. I'm not angry anymore. I'm just resolved. I feel like I have to take control of my life now before things get out of hand. I know I will hurt for a while...healing is something that takes a very long time. I know I will have bad days when I don't even want to crawl out of bed...those will be the days I think about them and what I could have done differently, what I could have said to change their minds. And those will be the days I cry. Those will be the days I hate myself for what I have become. But with time, I know those days will grow fewer and further between until I eventually don't have them anymore. I know I still have a chance with one of them. I know I will never a chance with the other. I'm not sure which is harder to deal with. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I know that I think about one of them all the time, no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing. I know that I still love the other, even though he's not good for me right now. And I don't know what any of that means. No one can help with this...I know I can talk to people about it, but no one can really fix it for me. No one can tell me what to do. And that's okay. It's time for me to grow up and make a decision based on what I want, not what anyone else thinks is right for me. I'm scared. I would be lying if I said I were ready for this. Growing up has been thrust upon me in the past month, and there's no hiding from it. I will be 20 in four months. My one hope is that no longer being a teenager will be as great as I need it to be. I need to start over. I need a new beginning. In the next four months, I hope I can figure out what I want and what I need. And I hope I can preserve some sort of relationship with both of them. Losing them entirely is what would hurt the most. I think.